Do you ever deny your needs, over-apologize, and struggle to say no? These are all signs that indicate a survival response called fawning. While you’ve probably heard of the other trauma responses, fight, flight, and freeze, the lesser-known fawning occurs when you try to people-please and placate people to avoid conflict, criticism, and continued abuse. If this resonates with you, keep reading to learn where it originates and tips to stop fawning.
What Is People Pleasing (aka Fawning)?
Fawning is one of the four survival responses (fight, flight, freeze, fawn) our brain activates when faced with prolonged trauma or stress. And the fawn response involves using people-pleasing behaviors toward the source of trauma to maintain the peace and prevent the abuse from continuing or escalating either towards the one being targeted or towards others (ex, children, friends, family members, and pets).
What Is the Link Between People Pleasing and Trauma?
On the surface, it appears those who engage in people-pleasing behaviors don’t stick up for themselves or value their needs. But on the contrary. Their brain defaulted to fawning or appeasing the perpetrator to increase their chances of survival. During the state of abuse, the individual’s brain detected that the only chance of surviving the abuse was to soothe the ego of the perpetrator. Therefore, people-pleasing is a survival response to continuous trauma. In other cases, it can be caused by trauma in childhood, where people may develop people-pleasing to receive attention or better treatment from their caregivers.
8 Types of Trauma that Cause Fawning
While several types of trauma can cause a fawning response, any situation where someone is using abuse, violence, manipulation, or control to create a continuous cycle of abuse can lead to fawning. Single events don’t elicit the same response.
- Domestic violence
- Childhood trauma
- Racism
- Human trafficking
- Torture
- Sexual violence
- Forced labor
- Political/war violence
7 Tips to Stop Fawning
1. Increase your awareness
Start noticing how your patterns of fawning behaviors interfere with your ability to heal and develop stable relationships with others and how you see yourself. Indeed, building awareness about how your past trauma affects your present-day will clarify why you are still using fawning behaviors. For example, perhaps you’re using people-pleasing behaviors to avoid conflict with a toxic friend because you subconsciously fear you’ll lose the friendship. If this is the case, shower yourself with compassion rather than self-criticism and ask yourself if maintaining the relationship is worth it. Is the reason to maintain it based on a trauma response or something you really want?
2. Validate your emotions
How we approach emotions is an interesting game. For example, we welcome the good with open arms but avoid unpleasant ones like the plague. Yet to learn how to stop being a people-pleaser, you must accept your emotions as they fluctuate with self-compassion rather than dismay. To do so, follow this 4-step process:
- Acknowledge when you’re feeling upset. You can also track it in a journal and write when it happened and why
- Label how you feel. For example, “I feel angry/anxious/upset/stressed/overwhelmed”
- Next, remind yourself you have every right to feel the way you do
- Lastly, practice a coping mechanism to feel better. Perhaps, give yourself an at-home facial, have coffee with a friend, or go for a walk
3. Maintain boundaries
One of the best tips to stop fawning involves learning how to set healthy boundaries. But to do so, you need to know what you are willing and unwilling to tolerate. For example, if you’re frustrated a family member continues to ask for money, set a clear boundary with a resulting consequence to protect yourself. Perhaps say, “I will no longer give you money, and if you continue to ask me, I will need to distance myself from you. But I care about you and would love to support you in another way”. This statement reflects your self-worth because you are drawing a clear line in alignment with your values.
4. Eliminate shame
Shame is often a byproduct of trauma. Whether it was a single event or continuous abuse, many often blame themselves for the transgressions they endured. But it’s important to remember that the root of your fawning stems from the actions of others. Under profound distress, your brain used fawning to survive. It wasn’t a conscious choice you made but rather a knee-jerk response conditioned by your environment to stop the abuse from continuing. Therefore, remind yourself you can unlearn fawning present-day and heal from the aftermath. You are not bonded to those experiences forever.
5. Abuse causes complex feelings
You may find yourself on the spectrum between hatred and love toward the abusive person, and that’s okay. For example, you might cherish the positive memories you shared but still quiver with anger and disgust thinking about the trauma you experienced. Both are valid, and it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you if you still remember the positive. In fact, it’s a normal part of the healing process. Yet, understanding the complexity of emotions that arise and accepting them as they are without assigning labels or self-criticism will strengthen your healing. And remember, healing isn’t a linear journey. It’s common to experience a rollercoaster of ups and downs and back and forth between a spectrum of emotions.
6. Practice self-care
Survival mode is a common byproduct of living in a state of perpetual fear and trauma. And unfortunately, many become conditioned to ignore their basic needs, let alone practice self-care. But a part of healing involves identifying things that bring you joy and caring for your mind and body. Your self-care is your ritual to retrain your mind that you’re no longer in survival mode and you’re entering into a state of healing and self-love. So, beyond meeting your basic needs:
- Engage in simple 30-minute self-care ideas like meeting up with a friend, baking your favorite dessert, or taking an at-home yoga class
- Practice mindfulness and meditation, or make art with your hands and marvel at your creation
- Or allow yourself the freedom to do nothing and enjoy the state of silence
7. Seek support
Unfortunately, trauma can not be healed by yourself. Your healing needs the support of others, in fact, a combination of empowering forces. For example, consider seeing a therapist to receive EMDR therapy to rewire your nervous system, mind, and body stuck in the trauma memory. Doing so will allow you to detach from your traumatic experiences and make decisions from the point of conscious self-love rather than fear or survival mode. Additionally, seek support from a support group, trusted friends, and loved ones. Having the feeling of unwavering support from those you love will make you feel less alone and disconnected.
Remember, it’s certainly possible to heal from trauma and live a life in alignment with what you truly desire. But follow these tips to stop fawning, build awareness towards your trauma responses, seek support through a therapist, and give yourself the compassion and self-love you deserve.
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