Setting boundaries is an important skill that’s essential for overall well-being and healthy, positive relationships. When you struggle to set boundaries, you risk heightened stress, feeling burnt out and having strained relationships. Setting boundaries can be particularly difficult for those with ADHD for a number of reasons, from impulsivity to low self-esteem and executive functioning deficits. A lack of boundaries can impact your physical and mental health, and can lead to resentment, manipulation and abuse within unhealthy relationships. Whether it’s at work, with friends or in romantic relationships, here’s how to set boundaries when you have ADHD.
Why Is Setting Boundaries Difficult for People with ADHD?
People with ADHD often have trouble with impulsivity, low self-esteem, and social challenges. These can all create difficulties with setting boundaries. Impulsivity can lead to quickly agreeing to commitments before considering your capacity. Low self-esteem can result in feelings of unworthiness and a difficulty asserting your needs. And social challenges can cause a fear of rejection and a tendency to people-please. On top of this, executive functioning deficits, emotional dysregulation, and a desire to fit in can make ADHDers more likely to be overly accommodating no matter how much it affects them.
How to Set Boundaries When You Have ADHD
1. Identify Your Priorities
Take some time to reflect on your personal needs, goals, and emotional and physical limits. What situations overwhelm and drain you? What activities or experiences bring you joy? Determine your essential needs and what you’re willing to compromise on. Once you’re more self-aware, you can identify when your limits are being crossed and what boundaries you need to set to maintain your well-being.
2. Recognize Triggers
Are there certain people or situations that constantly cause you to overcommit or feel drained and overwhelmed? Start paying attention to patterns and situations that lead to stress. These are your triggers. Once you’ve identified your triggers, you can create a plan to manage them, including setting boundaries.
3. Learn to Say “No”
Saying “no” is a skill that takes time and practice, especially if you’ve been used to saying “yes” all your life. If you’re constantly saying yes to work or social obligations you don’t actually have time for, you’re likely facing perpetual burn out and overwhelm. Saying “no” is an act of self-respect and self worth. It allows you to focus on what truly matters to you, whether it’s self-care, family time, exercise or hobbies. Start saying no to smaller, less significant requests and work your way up to bigger challenges.
How to Communicate Boundaries When You Have ADHD
1. Prepare
If you know you need to set a boundary with someone, it can be helpful to prepare what you’re going to say ahead of time. This is especially true if you know the person is super sensitive or defensive. Write down what you want to say, assess the language you’re going to use and rehearse it to make sure you’re polite, yet clear and assertive.
2. Communicate Clearly
Sometimes we try to imply something rather than stating it outright in fear of embarrassing ourselves or the other person. However, it’s important to use clear and concise language when communicating a boundary so there’s no confusion. It’s much more awkward if whoever you’re talking to doesn’t understand and you have to state the boundary again.
3. Use “I” Statements
Communicate your boundaries using “I” statements rather than blaming or criticizing the other person. Instead of saying “you’re always calling me after work hours”, say something like “I feel overwhelmed when you call me after work hours. Moving forward I’m not available for work calls after 6 pm. Can we agree on a better time for these calls?”. “You” statements can make the other person feel defensive, so it’s more likely to be a productive conversation if you use “I” language.
How to Enforce Boundaries When You Have ADHD
1. Be Consistent
For the recipient of your boundaries to take them seriously, it’s important that you’re consistent with your boundaries at all times. For example, let’s say you have a friend that treats you like their therapist, calling you every night and taking up hours of your time. You set a boundary saying you’re happy to chat with them, but can only make time once a week for long phone conversations. If you set this boundary and keep picking up their phone calls everyday, they’re going to continue taking advantage. When boundaries are consistently enforced, they become clear and understood, and there’s no room for misinterpretation.
2. Work on Assertive Communication
Assertiveness is a key skill for enforcing boundaries and protecting your emotional energy. It refers to the ability to express your needs and opinions clearly while respecting others. Assertive communication allows you to stand up for yourself without being disrespectful or causing unnecessary conflict. It involves expressing yourself truthfully and clearly and avoids ambiguity. Work on assertive communication so that you can comfortably continue to say “no”, enforce your boundaries, and stand strong in your opinions.
3. Set Clear Consequences and Follow-Through
Set clear consequences by defining what will happen if a boundary is crossed. If someone violates a boundary, be ready to take action. For example, you tell a chatty friend that you only have an hour to meet up for coffee and if they carry the conversation beyond that time frame, you have the right to end the conversation and leave. The day comes and lo and behold, they try to keep you there for longer than an hour. Follow through by politely interrupting them when you need to go and let them know you can carry on the conversation next time. If you don’t follow through on consequences, others won’t think you’re serious about your boundaries.
Setting boundaries can be difficult, but we hope these tips help you communicate and enforce them for healthier relationships.
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