If you constantly feel jealous of your partner’s past relationships or romantic experiences, you may be experiencing retroactive jealousy. Being preoccupied with your partner’s past is a pretty common experience. You may find yourself fixating on your partner’s ex’s Instagram account more than you’d like to admit, comparing yourself to them, or feeling extremely self-conscious when they come up in conversation. While being jealous of someone’s past can be normal, especially at the start of a new relationship, if your jealousy leads to unhealthy behaviours or is interfering with your day to day life, it’s time to do something about it. Here’s how to overcome retroactive jealousy before it ruins your relationship.
What Is “Retroactive Jealousy”?
Retroactive jealousy is when you have an unhealthy fixation on your partner’s previous romantic history and feel threatened by their past relationships or experiences. It often causes you to worry or obsess over details about your partner’s exes and the relationship they had, and can lead you to think that they’ll leave you for an ex partner. This type of jealousy is jealousy of the past without current interference from an ex, and tends to be unfounded. It’s different from jealousy because a partner is currently communicating with an ex or has admitted to lingering feelings for an ex.
Retroactive jealousy can cause you to participate in a series of unhealthy behaviours to help validate your feelings, such as snooping through your partner’s phone, obsessing over their ex’s social media accounts, or going through private belongings like souvenir boxes or letters. It can take a significant toll on your relationship, especially if you don’t do anything to manage and overcome it.
12 Signs of Retroactive Jealousy
- Obsessing over past partners
- Comparing yourself to past partners
- Constant questioning your partner about past relationships
- Following past partners on social media or creating fake accounts to view their content
- Heightened insecurity and anxiety
- Sarcastic or degrading comments about your partner’s exes or sexual relationships
- Snooping through their phone or browser
- Doubting your partner
- Controlling behaviours
- Relationship instability
- Constantly seeking reassurance from your partner
- Having increased anxiety when previous partners or experiences are brought up in conversation
6 Common Causes of Retroactive Jealousy
- Insecurity and low self-esteem
- You’ve dealt with unfaithfulness in the past (whether from current or past partner)
- Sensitivity to rejection
- Anxious attachment style and fear of being abandoned
- Social media and comparison
- Obsessive compulsive disorder
How to Overcome Retroactive Jealousy
1. Communicate with Your Partner
If you’re harbouring feelings of retroactive jealousy, be open with your partner. Communicate honestly with them about how you’re feeling and listen to their perspective. It’s important to establish healthy boundaries and talk about how you’ll handle past experiences as this can help you avoid triggers. If your partner doesn’t know something’s bothering you, they can’t do anything to help, but when you openly communicate with them, you can work together to find a solution.
2. Talk to a Therapist
If retroactive jealousy is leading to obsessive behaviours like stalking your partner’s exes on social media or invading their privacy, or if it’s negatively affecting your relationship, talking to a therapist can be really helpful. Discussing your retroactive jealousy with a professional can help you manage intrusive thoughts and feelings about your partner’s past and help you through any limiting personal beliefs you may have. You’ll be taught strategies to manage your anxieties and reduce your emotional reactivity to triggers. Therapy can also help you improve your self-esteem and any insecurities you may have.
3. Practice Affirmations
Since retroactive jealousy can come from a place of insecurity, it’s important to do things to build up your self-worth. Affirmations are a great way to do this. Write down affirmations daily, say them in the mirror, or place them somewhere you’ll see everyday so you can read them with intention. Here are some examples:
- I know that I am enough.
- I am worthy of love and respect.
- I am confident in my relationship and I trust my partner.
- I will not let jealousy cloud my judgment and affect my relationship.
- I accept my partner has a past and it does not affect our present or future.
- I am grateful for the love and connection I have with my partner.
4. Avoid Social Media
Social media is a highlight reel, and if your partner’s exes have public accounts, it’s easy to spend a little too much time snooping. This can create unrealistic comparison as everyone is showcasing the best aspects of their lives, and with the rise of photo and face editing apps, anyone can look as perfect as they’d like. If you find yourself looking at your partner’s ex’s accounts more often than you should, consider blocking them so you don’t have access. Spending less time on social media in general is also beneficial for anxiety and low self-esteem.
5. Implement Daily Gratitude
Gratitude helps you stay grounded in the present, rather than ruminating on the past. It can help shift focus to the positive aspects of your relationship, and helps counteract negative emotions such as anxiety and doubt. There are different ways to incorporate gratitude into your life. You can write down 5 things you’re grateful for in your relationship every morning, or make a list in your notes app that you can look up at times when retroactive jealousy rears its head.
6. Plan Special Moments with Your Partner
The more you nourish your relationship, the stronger it will be and the less you’ll feel the need to measure it against your partner’s past. There are plenty of things you can do to plan special moments with your partner, from going on weekly date nights, to planning weekend getaways, or going on a longer trip. Creating new memories together is a great way to strengthen your bond and feel more confident in your partnership.
7. Engage in Feel Good Activities
It’s important to take care of yourself and build your self-esteem. The more secure and self confident you feel, the less you’ll worry about anyone from your partner’s past. Spend time on hobbies and activities you enjoy, set personal goals, and take care of your physical and mental health. Eat well, engage in physical activity, and spend time with friends and loved ones who lift you up. The more you see the value and worth in yourself, the more positive you’ll feel about your relationship.
We hope you liked these tips on overcoming retroactive jealousy. Start implementing them today to see a noticeable change!
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