While we may find it normal for toddlers to throw temper tantrums, moms can experience explosive outbursts too. It’s known as mom rage and it’s completely normal, but it can lead to guilt, frustration, remorse and shame. The good news is, there are ways to cope with mom rage and care for yourself so it doesn’t take over your life. Here’s how to manage mom rage in 6 steps.
What Is Mom Rage?
Mom rage is the feeling of intense, uncontrollable, and often unexplained anger that many moms experience. It can be very disruptive to your daily life as the anger overpowers you and you feel like you can’t stop it. Moms typically deal with the majority of the child-rearing responsibilities, which means they’re the ones dealing with the more mundane and infuriating challenges that come with raising kids. Hormonal fluctuations, issues with your partner, misbehaviour, and continuous demands are all common triggers of mom rage.
8 Common Triggers of Mom Rage
- Missing your old life- there are lots of changes that happen when you become a mom, and it’s normal to miss your old life. Although you love your baby, you may still fantasize about your life as it was before and feel sad that that time of your life is over. Being a new mom can also feel lonely at times. Feeling isolated or lacking a support network can intensify feelings of frustration and anger.
- Hormonal changes- fluctuations in your hormones during pregnancy, postpartum, or other life stages can impact mood regulation and contribute to feelings of anger.
- Tantrums and misbehaviour- it’s normal for children to have challenging behaviour, tantrums, or disobedience, but over time, this can really test a mom’s patience and result in mom rage. With every new age comes new challenges, which can be super overwhelming to deal with.
- Lack of sleep- sleep deprivation can significantly impact your emotional regulation and leave you feeling emotionally and physically depleted. This makes it more likely for you to experience feelings of anger and frustration.
- Continuous demands and responsibilities- the never-ending list of tasks and responsibilities involved in parenting can be overwhelming, leading to heightened stress levels and anger. Juggling work and family responsibilities can be overwhelming, leading to bottled up emotions that can come out as mom rage.
- Feeling judged or criticized- judgment or criticism from others about one’s parenting decisions can lead to feelings of inadequacy and frustration.
- Lack of me-time- a lack of time for self-care and personal interests can make you feel trapped and resentful, leading to feelings of rage. You may feel like you’re losing pieces of yourself or like you have no time to take care of yourself, which is not a great feeling.
- Conflicts with your partner- differences in parenting styles between parents or dealing with disagreements on how to handle specific situations can create tension and contribute to mom rage. A lack of support from a partner or co-parent can also place an additional burden on the mom, leading to increased feelings of frustration.
12 Signs You Have Mom Rage
- Irritability
- Restlessness
- Quickened heartbeat
- Fatigue
- Anger and frustration
- Yelling
- Feelings of loss of control
- Aggression
- Resentment
- Feelings of failure
- Confusion due to conflicting emotions
- Outbursts followed by regret, remorse, guilt, and shame
How to Manage Mom Rage
1. Reflect
If you notice you’re lashing out again and again, and feeling the intense pangs of guilt and remorse afterwards, it’s time to do the hard work you may not want to do. Look inward and try to get to the root of why your outbursts may be happening- perhaps you have previous trauma that you’ve never dealt with, you’re dealing with stress at work, or you’re frustrated with your partner. Identifying the root cause of your anger and doing the work to deal with it can help you stay in the moment and be more level-headed in tough situations.
2. Create Time for Self Care
Taking time for yourself is so important as a mom. You may feel like you have to spend all your time with your kid(s) but time away is beneficial for both parties. When you feel healthy mentally and physically, you have more to give to your kids. Self care is an essential part of stress relief and wellness. It helps you unwind and relax, and boosts your mood and self esteem. Exercise, journal, meditate, take a long bath, go for a massage, or spend time with your friends. Take time to do whatever makes you feel your best.
3. Let It Out
We all need a release from time to time, and as long as you’re doing it in a healthy way, it can be really beneficial to let out your pent up feelings rather than letting them build. Find ways to release your energy and negative feelings, such as a boxing class, running, or even letting out a long scream when you’re by yourself.
4. Talk to Your Partner
Communicating with your partner (if you have one), is essential. Have conversations with them about how you’re feeling, all the tasks on your plate, and how they can help. Delegating and sharing responsibilities can help prevent emotional escalation and takes a lot of the pressure off of you. Don’t feel like you have to do everything on your own.
5. Change Your Expectations
Sometimes you have to lower your expectations for both yourself and your kids. Many parents have unrealistic standards that are hard to uphold, and when they go awry, the rage comes out. Reevaluate your expectations and try your best to let things go and not take them too seriously.
6. Seek Support
Seeking support from friends, family, or parenting groups can be helpful in managing the challenges of parenting. Know that you’re not alone and whatever emotions you’re feeling have likely been felt by someone you know.
When to Seek Help
First, know that mom rage is totally normal, and it doesn’t make you a bad parent. However, it’s essential to find healthy ways to cope with these feelings and seek support when needed. If mom rage becomes overwhelming or persistent, or if you have frequent angry outbursts or crying spells, talking to a mental health professional can be beneficial in developing effective coping strategies.
It’s also time to consider help if you’re dealing with complex triggers like grief, anxiety, abuse, or rage that you or your family feels is out of control. Consider workshops, support groups, or individual counselling to help you.
Mom rage can feel frustrating, overwhelming, and overall crappy. Once you’ve acknowledged you have mom rage, try these tips to help you manage it and get back to yourself!
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