Friendship breakups are often harder than romantic breakups. Ending a years- or decades-long friendship can feel like a gut punch and heartbreak all wrapped into one. In toxic friendships, one person is often taking much more while the other gives and gives. You may notice that your friend doesn’t take much interest in your life, they don’t support or show up for you, they’re manipulative or possessive over you, or you feel totally drained after you spend time with them. If your dissatisfaction has been building up over time and you feel like it’s taking a huge toll on you to stay in the relationship, here are 9 tips on how to break up with a friend.
How to Break Up with a Friend: 9 Tips to Help
1. Make a List
The beginning stages of feeling like you want to end a friendship can be very overwhelming and fraught with mixed, confusing emotions. Making a list of specific reasons you want to end the friendship can be extremely helpful. Consider how your friend has made you feel as well as how this breakup could benefit your mental health, physical health, work, social life, and relationship with others. Having a list will reinforce why this is so important to you and will also be helpful when figuring out what to say during the breakup.
2. Get Together Face-to-Face
Friend breakups are a significant event and should be done face-to-face or at least over the phone. Texting is tough as it can be misinterpreted and taken the wrong way. Having a conversation in person shows the importance of the situation and allows you to get your point across. However, if it feels impossible to do in person or if you think things could get hostile, texting can be used as a last resort.
3. Be Open and Honest
One of the worst things you can do is totally ghost your friend without telling them how you feel. Although every friendship is different and ghosting could work in certain cases, it’s generally not the best way to deal with ending a friendship. Be clear about what went wrong, how you feel, and why you don’t want them in your life. This can be really difficult to do, but it’s important you explain why the friendship is having a negative impact on your life. It’s also helpful to give specific examples of what’s gone wrong to strengthen your argument. Take ownership of your own feelings and explain how their behaviour made you feel, rather than labeling them as “selfish” or “mean”. It’s important to be clear about how your feelings are not being met in the relationship.
4. Lead with Kindness
Friendship breakups are already intense, so it’s best not to go into your conversation being argumentative, rude or super negative. Remain calm and kind while still getting your point across. You don’t need to tell them about every grievance through the entirety of your friendship. Keep it concise so it’s not too overwhelming for them. You can also consider including some positive experiences you’ve experienced throughout the friendship along with positive qualities in your friend. These things can be tough to hear, and it can be helpful for both sides to know that the entire friendship wasn’t a waste.
5. Use “I” Phrases
When you feel hurt or let down by someone, it’s tempting to blame them and tell them what they did wrong. But in a situation such as a friendship breakup it can be much more beneficial to frame statements using “I” rather than “you”. For example, instead of saying “you only care about yourself and you never ask about how I am or show me any support”, say something like “I need to have friendships that feel like they’re equal and that give me as much support as I give them”. This keeps you from placing the blame solely on them while setting your standards for what you need in a friendship.
6. Consider a Break
Sometimes friendships need a break, and just like a romantic relationship, this can either lead to a full breakup or a mending of the friendship. If you talk it out with your friend and still want space, but feel as though you may be able to mend things down the line, a break could be a good option. A break can help give you a fresh perspective, calm down, re-evaluate the friendship, or even miss each other. Consider adding a time component to your break, which can be especially helpful if your friend isn’t good with boundaries.
7. Let the Friendship Fade Out
Sometimes it may work better to let the friendship drift off naturally. Friendships change over time and you may find it easier to start communicating less and only seeing your friend in groups. You may cool down with the texting and calling and making excuses when she wants to hang out one on one. Consider whether you’re open to keeping them in your life in a smaller capacity as this can be a healthier choice in the long run.
8. Ending an Abusive Friendship
The exception to the rule is ending an abusive friendship. If your friend is emotionally or physically abusive and you’re scared about what they may do if you tell them you’re ending the friendship, it may be acceptable to ghost or block the person. If the person has threatened or hit you or done something unforgivable such as cheating with your partner, then ending the friendship abruptly can make the most sense.
9. Post-Break Up Self Care
Breaking up with a friend can be incredibly difficult and draining, especially if you do it face to face. Make sure to take care of yourself afterwards. Prioritize self care activities such as exercising, journaling, or engaging in hobbies you love. Reach out to other friends and family members for support. It may also be helpful to start therapy if you’re not already in it. Therapy can help you work through complicated emotions and process your feelings about the friendship ending.
If you’ve been considering breaking up with your friend, we hope this advice gives you some confidence and .
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