Being a woman with ADHD comes with unique challenges that often leave them misunderstood. Most women go their entire childhood, and often much of their adult life, without a diagnosis, meaning they weren’t taught the tools and strategies to cope with their symptoms. Women with ADHD are often (incorrectly) labeled as lazy, unmotivated, and overly emotional because society doesn’t understand how their brains work. On the other hand, they may present as highly functioning individuals who have it all together, but are really falling apart inside and riddled with anxiety. They often feel overwhelmed and misunderstood, not only by society but also the people closest to them. Here are 8 things women with ADHD wish everyone knew.
8 Things Women with ADHD Wish Everyone Knew
1. We Are Not Lazy, Unmotivated or Selfish
Many of us go for much of our lives without an ADHD diagnosis. When you go your whole life being told you’re lazy or feeling like there’s something wrong with you, you start to believe it. The longer you go undiagnosed, the longer you go without the proper treatment, tools, and strategies to manage ADHD and the more you’re incorrectly labelled (by others and yourself). Even once we’re diagnosed, our executive dysfunction can make it hard for us to start and finish tasks. We may forget things, and we may leave projects unfinished for years. This doesn’t mean we’re lazy or unmotivated, it’s just that our brains are wired differently than a neurotypical brain.
2. Just Because We’re Not Hyper Doesn’t Mean We Don’t Have ADHD
Until recently, ADHD was thought of as a children’s mental health disorder that mainly affected boys. This is because males are much more likely to present hyperactive/impulsive ADHD with noticeable symptoms like constantly fidgeting, being unable to sit still, and excessive physical movement. Females are most likely to be diagnosed with inattentive ADHD. People with this type of ADHD are more prone to making careless mistakes, losing things, and missing deadlines and appointments. Just because our symptoms aren’t as overt, doesn’t mean we’re not dealing with them on a daily basis.
3. We Care About Our People
Certain symptoms can make it seem like we don’t care about those around us, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. We may space out in the middle of a conversation, we may forget to text you back, or even miss plans and special occasions. We don’t mean to, but sometimes symptoms such as inattentiveness, forgetfulness, disorganization, and time blindness get the best of us. We care deeply about you and your feelings and never mean to make you feel unimportant.
4. Hormones Affect ADHD
ADHD is impacted by female hormones, and it’s important for the people around us to know this. For many women, ADHD symptoms tend to get worse just before and during our period, when estrogen levels drop. This can create increased irritability, mood swings, impulsivity, fatigue, and memory problems. PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) and PMS (premenstrual syndrome) disproportionately impact those with ADHD, taking a toll on our mental health and relationships. ADHD symptoms can also get worse as we get older and enter perimenopause and menopause.
5. We Carry A Lot of Shame and Guilt
Being a woman comes with so many societal and familial expectations. It’s hard for any woman to live up to these expectations, especially those of us with ADHD. Repeatedly failing to meet these expectations can create immense shame and guilt on a daily basis. Pair this with the fact that we’re prone to forgetting important dates, sometimes say things impulsively without thinking of others’ feelings, and miss appointments and plan, and the guilt can feel quite intense.
6. We’re Constantly Burnt Out
ADHD can look like an extremely high functioning employee or a mother who has it all together, but in fact, we’re falling apart inside. Executive dysfunction, high expectations, and perfectionism all contribute to a high state of burnout among ADHD women. Just because things get done doesn’t mean it didn’t take pretty much all of our mental capacity to do it. Thanks to ADHD, every task takes longer, feels harder, and daily life is utterly exhausting.
7. We Need to Find the Right Systems for Our Brains
Just because a tool or system works for you, doesn’t mean it’s going to work for us, and we can’t force ourselves to use something that works against our brains. We have to take the time to get to know ourselves and find the systems, routines, and tools that work for us. It’s a lot of trial and error, and some things will work while others will completely fail. We may not be able to use the same apps or planners as you or start something and finish it, but we have to figure out what strategies work best for us from one week to the next.
8. We Want You to Understand Us and Give Us Grace
Outside of the ADHD community, terms like ‘time blindness’, ’emotional dysregulation’, and ‘executive dysfunction’ aren’t widely known or talked about. But these are symptoms we deal with everyday that could minimize labels such as “lazy, ditzy, or stupid” that are often associated with ADHD. We’re doing the best we can and want you to know not to take things personally, because missing a text or forgetting to send a card has nothing to do with how we feel about you. It takes a huge amount of energy just to show up, and positive acknowledgment of this could go a long way.
It’s easy to feel misunderstood as a woman with ADHD. We hope this post helped shed light on what ADHD women deal with and what they want everyone to know.
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