Dating when you have ADHD can be an emotional whirlwind. The original hit of dopamine you experience when meeting someone new can lead to intense infatuation and all-consuming behaviours. It can also result in the relationship burning out just as quickly as it began. Whether you’re using dating apps or you’d rather meet someone in the wild, dating (especially in the early days) can feel overwhelming. Throw in certain ADHD symptoms and it can get even more complicated. Whether you need advice for a first date or have been dating someone for a while, here are our best dating tips for women with ADHD.
How Does ADHD Impact Relationships?
- Struggles with impulse control- leading to obsessive behaviours and over-sharing early on (jumping into things too fast).
- Intense emotions can blow small things out of portion- for example, feeling rejected if they don’t text you back right away and reacting by sending them 5 long paragraphs with all your anxious thoughts.
- Neediness- excessive texting all day long, constant need for reassurance.
- Misunderstandings and strained communications- challenging to express needs clearly or understand your partner’s perspective.
- Inattention and forgetfulness- leading to your partner feeling unheard and ignored. Can also result in forgetting anniversaries and birthdays or missing important events or commitments.
- Rejection sensitivity- hypersensitive to criticism or perceived rejection, which can heighten feelings of shame and low self-esteem.
- Time management issues- being late for dates or special occasions can lead to resentment and frustration.
7 Dating Tips for Women with ADHD
1. Try Not to Rush Into Things
Trouble with impulse control and emotional regulation can lead to relationships intensifying quickly, but often burning out just as fast. ADHD brains crave stimulation and dopamine, and hyperfixation can start as soon as you match with someone on a dating app or get a DM from someone on Instagram. The initial hit of dopamine you get from learning someone is interested in you can cause you to hold on to this feeling with everything you have.
It’s important to recognize that this is the way the ADHD brain works and to notice if things are getting out of hand. Behaviours like obsessively messaging someone you just met, oversharing on dates or over text, or spending all your time with a new partner while ignoring every other aspect of your life can lead to a whirlwind romance that ends just as quickly as it begins.
2. Self-Awareness is Important
It’s crucial that you recognize how your ADHD affects you and how it might impact your relationships. Many women with ADHD aren’t diagnosed until adulthood, so it’s important to do some reflecting on your own patterns of behaviours in past relationships to gain a better understanding of why other relationships or dating experiences didn’t work out.
For example, maybe you realize that your struggles with emotional regulation have led to explosive blow ups with past partners. Having this information can shed light on what you need to work on. Without self-awareness of your symptoms and an openness to work on yourself, you risk pushing the other person away. This isn’t to say that you were always the one at fault for past relationships not working out, but it’s important to acknowledge your part in their downfall.
3. Take Up Therapy
Therapy can be incredibly helpful for people with ADHD who are having trouble with dating or in their relationship. A therapist can help you work on specific executive functioning skills that will help improve your relationship or dating experiences. This includes time management strategies, enhanced communication, emotional regulation, and stress management exercises. If you’re in a relationship, you should consider going to couple’s therapy with your partner. This can help you understand each other better and work together on communication and skills to strengthen the relationship.
4. Make a List of “Ideal” Qualities
It’s common for women with ADHD to jump into things too quickly and feel strong emotions early on, only to get bored of the person a few weeks later. Oftentimes, in the beginning, emotions overtake logic and you end up wasting your time with people that you’re not actually that interested in. It can be helpful to make a list of your “ideal” partner’s qualities as a reminder of what you’re looking for. While it’s important to have chemistry with someone, it’s also important to consider their long-term potential. This doesn’t need to be a laundry list of attributes, but rather how you want the relationship to feel. Consider things like “we have shared interests as well as our own interests”, “they have a commitment to personal growth and health” and “we can be open, honest and vulnerable with each other”.
5. Look Out for Red Flags and Set Boundaries
Bathing in the dopamine hit of meeting someone new can cause you to ignore red flags. If someone only talks about themselves and asks nothing about you, if you notice controlling behaviours or excessive jealousy, or if they’re constantly talking negatively about past partners, it’s not a good sign. Try to be aware of any unhealthy patterns that show up. It’s also important to set boundaries, as women with ADHD tend to be people pleasers. This can lead to getting taken advantage of if you’re not careful. Put boundaries in around how much time you spend (in person and over the phone) with a new person.
6. Prioritize Emotional Regulation Techniques
Emotional dysregulation can often have the most significant impact on relationships. People with ADHD generally feel their emotions more strongly and act on them more impulsively, which can lead to issues during the early stages of dating as well as later on. This can make things really good when things are going well, but really bad when they’re not. Addressing your emotional reactivity may mean doing things such as taking your ADHD medication, staying on top of therapy, sleeping well, exercising, eating healthy and practicing mindfulness. All of these things are helpful for regulating your emotions.
7. When to Bring Up Your ADHD
There’s no perfect time to bring up your ADHD. Do whatever feels right for you in each situation. If you’ve built a genuine connection with someone and have some emotional intimacy with them, you may feel like it’s the right time to share. Some individuals with ADHD find disclosing their diagnosis early on weeds out people that they won’t end up getting along with, while others prefer not to tell people until they form a closeness with them. It’s up to you and what feels right.
Dating with ADHD can be exciting, stressful and exhausting. Try out these tips to make things easier and more enjoyable.
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