Conflict is a normal part of any long-term relationship, whether it’s with your partner, family or friends. Knowing how to resolve conflict in a calm and productive way is key to healthy connections. Unfortunately for those with ADHD, issues with emotional regulation, impulsivity and executive functioning can lead to conflict avoiding or conflict seeking behaviours that significantly impact their relationships. They may break down, say hurtful things to those closest to them, or storm away in anger, avoiding the conflict altogether. If you struggle with this, here are 7 ADHD conflict resolution tips to improve your relationships.
Why Do People with ADHD Struggle with Conflict?
If you have ADHD, you may have trouble with conflict due to difficulties with emotional regulation, impulsivity and executive functioning. You may also have trouble with communication and listening skills, making it harder to resolve disagreements constructively. In the heat of the moment, you may react impulsively and say hurtful things that upset a person you care about. You may find it difficult to control your emotions, causing you to get angry or lash out without thinking about the consequences.
The ADHD brain can affect your response to arguments and confrontations. It can create an overload of thoughts and emotions during conflict, making it challenging to focus on what’s happening in front of you. The mental noise of trying to figure out your next move or figuring out how the other person will react can be distracting and prevent you from fully engaging in the conversation.
Emotions also play a significant role in conflict, so when you struggle with emotional regulation, it can be very overwhelming. When you feel out of control, you may act out in ways that seem extreme such as bursting into tears, slamming the door as you walk away or confronting others without gathering your thoughts. Your inability to control your actions in these tense moments can strain your relationships and lead to ongoing tension.
ADHD has also been linked to dopamine, a neurotransmitter often referred to as the “reward chemical”. Research has found that people with ADHD have lower than normal levels of dopamine, which may lead to continuously seeking activities that provide instant gratification to boost dopamine levels. Since dopamine spikes during arguments, individuals with ADHD may seek out conflict for a dopamine hit.
7 ADHD Conflict Resolution Tips
Conflict resolution can be particularly difficult for individuals with ADHD as they often experience misunderstandings or misconceptions from others who don’t understand their struggles. In times of conflict, ADHD symptoms can exacerbate the situation, making it hard to stay calm and think clearly. Individuals with ADHD often experience overwhelming guilt, sadness, anger or anxiety that leads to a meltdown or withdrawal, affecting how the conflict gets resolved, if at all. There are two types of people when it comes to conflict: conflict avoiders, who avoid or withdraw from conflict at all costs, and conflict seekers, who find themselves drawn to conflict. Here are conflict resolution tips for both.
4 Tips for Conflict Avoiders
1. Build emotional awareness: Knowing the situations or conversations that trigger your avoidance can help you prepare for them. On top of this, understanding your own emotions can help you communicate your needs more effectively, leading to more productive resolution.
2. Practice active listening: Active listening involves fully engaging with the person you’re speaking to and demonstrating that you understand their message. If you’re unsure about something, ask for clarification to make sure you’re understanding their perspective correctly. This can help prevent misunderstandings and becoming overwhelmed and heated.
3. Practice assertive communication: Learn how to express your needs and feelings in a calm and respectful manner. It’s also important to set boundaries to feel more in control of the situation and prevent conflict from escalating. You may consider working with a therapist to help develop more assertiveness, improve your communication and get to the root of your emotions and how to regulate them.
4. Engage in mindfulness: Anxiety and stress are often main reasons for conflict aversion. Mindfulness practices, such as deep breathing, meditation and yoga can be really helpful for managing stress and anxiety and calming your mind and body. This can make it easier for you to manage conflict in a more productive way, while keeping your emotions in check.
3 Tips for Conflict Seekers
1. Use the STAR method: STAR stands for stopping, thinking, acting and reflecting before reacting to a conflict. It’s helpful for managing emotions and reactions, prompting you to pause the situation to reflect and avoid making a hasty decision. It gives you time to consider the situation and choose a more thoughtful, constructive way to respond. It also allows you to reflect on how the situation unfolded and helps build emotional resilience.
2. Practice self-awareness in your confrontations: When initiating a conversation, make sure it’s a good time for the other person to talk. Be aware of your tone at all times and state your issue in a calm, non-threatening manner. Use “I” messages like “I’m concerned that…” or “I feel that…” instead of putting blame on the other person. Also make sure to give the other person the chance to speak and practice active listening.
3. Dig deeper: Anger, frustration, low self-esteem, guilt and shame can also result in aggressive behaviours. You may act out if you’re bored or frustrated to get a reaction or spike of dopamine. All of these feelings and behaviours can be used to mask other issues, such as anxiety or depression. Once you get to the root of the problem, you may find seeking professional help can help you deal with these feelings and emotions. A therapist can help you work on your emotional regulation and improve mental health issues related to anger, anxiety and depression.
If you struggle with conflict resolution, try these tips for conflict avoiders and conflict seekers.
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