There’s a strong link between ADHD and people pleasing. People with ADHD tend to be very avoidant of criticism and will do almost anything to please the people around them. They want to avoid judgment and rejection as much as possible and cater to others while often disregarding their own plans, desires, or mental health. While being kind and accommodating is generally a good thing, if you’re constantly seeking approval from others while you’re left feeling drained, stressed, and anxious, it’s a sign that your people pleasing behaviours are unhealthy. Take a look at 6 helpful strategies to manage ADHD and people pleasing.
What Is People Pleasing?
People pleasing is the act of doing whatever it takes to make others happy, prioritizing other people’s needs above your own. It’s often done with the goal of avoiding rejection, criticism or embarrassment. People pleasers tend to have big hearts and give a lot to others, while allowing their physical and mental health to take a back seat. They have difficulty saying no and often agree to things they don’t want to do. They go to great lengths to be liked, avoid confrontation, and are often seen as agreeable, helpful and kind.
The problem is, people pleasing is often a harmful behaviour that can lead to resentment, burnout, and a lack of personal boundaries. Not to mention an unhealthy dependence on others. People pleasers have trouble advocating for themselves and are overly concerned with earning other people’s approval as a way to maintain relationships. Poor self-esteem, insecurity, and perfectionism can all contribute to people pleasing behaviours.
What’s the Link Between ADHD & People Pleasing?
Individuals with ADHD often experience people pleasing tendencies. They struggle with intense emotions and impulsivity, and are inclined to seek approval and avoid conflict. They often also struggle with self-worth, which can lead to them seeking external validation from others. People pleasing behaviours can also be a way to avoid negative feedback. ADHD is often associated with rejection sensitive dysphoria, which causes extreme sensitivity and pain to feelings of failure and rejection. This causes a strong need for approval and can result in people pleasing behaviours.
Impulsivity can also manifest in similar behaviours as individuals with ADHD tend to act on immediate impulses to seek approval and avoid conflict. Many people with ADHD are often labelled as “annoying” or “hard to love” or told they fidget or talk too much. They’re often bullied and continuously told they’re messing up or not listening. Due to these criticisms, they often mask their symptoms and people please to try to fit in and make those around them happy.
6 Strategies to Manage ADHD and People Pleasing
1. Show yourself grace
Overcoming people pleasing tendencies takes time and effort- it won’t happen overnight, so make sure to show yourself grace. People pleasing often begins in childhood and continues into adulthood until you make the effort to do something about it. Be proud of yourself for initiating change and don’t be too hard on yourself if you don’t get rid of all of the tendencies right away. A professional mental health therapist can help you overcome people pleasing behaviours and build healthy, secure attachment with others. More on that below!
2. Get professional guidance
If managing your people pleasing behaviours doesn’t feel like something you can do on your own, professional guidance and support is a must. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can be a valuable tool as it helps you identify and change unhelpful thought patterns and behaviours. Dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT) can also assist you in managing your emotions, asserting boundaries, and building emotional resilience. You can also consider hiring an ADHD coach, who can provide you with valuable strategies for enhancing self-esteem and creating healthier relationships.
3. Work on building your self-esteem
Many individuals with people pleasing tendencies often have challenges distinguishing their likes, dislikes, hobbies, and interests from others. Knowing who you are, what you like or don’t like, and what brings you joy can help build up your self-esteem and self-worth. Take some time to write down your desires, wants, needs, interests, likes, and activities you enjoy or want to try. Sign up for a pottery class, commit to a monthly workout membership at a studio you love, or take piano lessons. The more you focus on fostering your interests and desires, the more confidence and self-esteem you’ll build.
4. Set boundaries
Another thing you’ll want to sit down and reflect on is what you want your limits to be with others and what you won’t tolerate anymore. The people in your life may expect people pleasing behaviours from you, which in the past may have led to them taking advantage of your kindness and agreeability. Learn to say no. Only say yes to things you actually want to do and decline invitations to things you know will be draining, unenjoyable, or harmful to your mental health.
5. Try role playing
If you have trouble saying no and setting boundaries, try role playing scenarios with a friend or therapist. It will help build your confidence and get you prepared for real life scenarios. Think about situations where you would usually say yes to something when you don’t really want to do it or don’t have the capacity to take it on. This could be taking on another project at work while your plate is already full or saying yes to social events or family obligations. Practice saying no in different ways so that you’ll start to have the courage to do it in day to day life.
6. Start small
Trying to overhaul all your people pleasing behaviours at once can be overwhelming and lead to feelings of failure and defeat. It’s helpful to start with small steps that not only retrain your brain, but also teach the people around you that you’re changing your boundaries. For example, try saying no to a question over text and work up to saying no in person. Start expressing your opinions about more insignificant things and progress to standing up for yourself. The more you can practice, the easier it will become.
ADHD and people pleasing tend to go hand in hand. Use these tips to help manage people pleasing behaviours and take control over your life.
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